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Advice to parents/caregivers whose children have disclosed abuse
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Remain calm
- Listen!
- Remain calm.
- Respond to your child with calmness and kindness, regardless of how you may be feeling in reality. Accept how your child feels.
- Allow your child to talk about the abuse as many times as they wish to. Children tend to disclose gradually over a period of time. An initial disclosure to you is often a child’s way of testing your response and whether it is safe to tell.
- Thank your child for telling you. Remind them that you will keep them safe.
- Reassure your child that what happened was not okay, that you believe them and that they are not in trouble.
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Accept what your child says
- Don’t put words into your child’s mouth. Ask general questions only (eg. tell me about that?)
- Don’t pressure your child to continue or ask them for more details than they are ready to give.
- Don’t question your child in a way that will introduce new words, phrases or concepts into their minds.
- Don’t “correct” or influence your child’s information (ie. “why didn’t you tell me sooner”; “ why did you let him do it?”)
- Don’t challenge, confront, or criticise your child’s information even if the information seems unlikely or there are obvious errors. Remember children are sometimes unable to give accurate time frames or dates.
- Try to get the message across that talking is OK. If your child does not mention the abuse again, you can make a general reference to the fact that they have disclosed and use this opportunity to reassure him or her that it is OK to talk about it.
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Keep a written record
- Accurately write down what your child has told you, what you said, and the date of their disclosure. This may be used as part of your statement or as evidence in court. It also reassures your child that you have heard them, that what they have said is important, and you are taking it seriously.
- Where possible, avoid alerting the alleged abuser to what your child has said.
- Write down any comments by the alleged offender if you have confronted them about what your child has said.
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Talking to others
- It is not appropriate to make your child confront the alleged offender in any way. This includes asking them to repeat the information in front of the alleged offender.
- Making sure your child is physically safe from the alleged offender is the most obvious action. Your child’s emotional safety is just as important. (e.g. keep your child safe from hearing statements of disbelief from other family members).
- It is important to respect your child’s right to privacy while balancing this with the need to discuss their disclosure with other adults. Don’t expect your child to re-tell to other family members/friends.
- It is important for you and your child not to continue to keep the alleged abuse secret. Gently explain to your child that what they have said needs to be shared by you with another trusted adult. Explain that this is the job of adults and it is how they help keep children safe.
- Explain to your child that he or she has done the right thing to tell and that they will probably have to tell their story to someone else whose job it is to talk to kids about this kind of stuff.
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Get help
- Discuss your concerns, fears, or doubts about your child’s statements with another trusted adult.
- listening friend, child professionals, counsellor.
Your child's recovery from their experiences largely depends on you and your ability to support and respond appropriately to your child's needs, behaviours and statements.
Following these general guidelines, trusting your own instincts, and being a loving parent will be helpful to the healing process for all concerned.
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Suspect abuse? 
