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Positive parenting information
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The following information is taken from Everyday Families: Parenting today for your family’s future which is available as a PDF file (1.1MB). You will need Adobe Acrobat Reader to view it.
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What does my child need?
We all want our children to grow up happy and healthy. The first step is making sure they get the basics food, clothing, warmth, shelter and love. Without love your child can’t learn and develop normally. There are lots of ways of showing your child you love them and that they are special to you.
Your child needs:
To feel safe and secure
Babies and children need to know there is someone who loves them and that their needs will be meet as soon as possible. This means
- feeding them when they are hungry
- keeping them warm, dry and safe from danger
- helping them if they are in pain, scared or upset
- providing family routines to help them feel secure
- making sure there is always someone to look after them.
A child who feels safe and secure learns to trust others. Children who don’t feel safe and secure are often anxious and unhappy and this can affect their health and development.
Lots of love and affection
Your child needs physical affection. It makes them feel safe and helps when they are upset. Holding your child, picking them up, sitting them on your lap, kissing and cuddling and holding hands are all ways to show affection. Babies and toddlers love games with touching like bouncing them on your knee, gentle tickling and massage, or wiggling toes and fingers. Older children enjoy active play and need affection too. Cuddles, a pat on the shoulder and goodnight kisses all show you care. And don’t forget to say ‘I love you’ at times.
Plenty of praise and encouragement
Your child wants to please you. If you praise them when they do well at something or are trying hard they are likely to do the same thing again. It can be easy to say ‘no’, but try to focus on positive things instead. Praising your child for being good will encourage good behaviour and help them feel good about themselves.
Children who feel good about themselves tend to:
- learn more easily and make more effort to achieve
- be more cooperative and get into less trouble
- get on well with others and make friends more easily
- feel happier and more secure.
Your time and attention
Kids love attention it’s a great reward. Rewards and treats are a way of saying you care, and they can be used to provide encouragement when your child has done well. The best reward you can give is your time and positive attention taking time to play together. Even special treats don’t have to cost money. A picnic or trip to the beach or park can be more fun than an expensive present.
Give your child your attention smile, talk and listen. Smiles help children feel happy. When you smile you are saying that you love them, enjoy their company, are pleased with them, are taking notice, and that you are happy and fun to be with.
Talk and sing to your child from the time they are born. It helps them relax and get to know you and to learn. The more you talk, the easier your child will find it to talk, learn and make friends later on.
Listen when your child is telling you something. It’s an important way of giving your child attention and showing you care. As they grow they will ask lots of questions listening carefully and answering their questions will encourage them to learn.
Taking notice of your child when they’re being quiet or good is a positive way to give them your attention. It makes them feel special and it helps encourage good behaviour.
When you’re busy and tired, it’s easy to switch off. Try to put aside time for your child each day when you can talk about things. Quiet time together before bed can help make going to bed a special time. Bedtime stories provide a comforting routine all children love.
Respect for their feelings
It can be hard for your child to find the right words if they are upset or scared. You need to listen carefully. If you ignore them, they may feel they don’t matter and get angry, or feel hopeless and give up.
It’s important to take your child’s feelings seriously. Small children can be easily scared, by a clown or loud noise, for example. They need reassurance and a simple explanation. Try not to laugh, tease, get impatient or tell them they’re ‘being silly’.
Children who grow up knowing their feelings are respected are more likely to feel good about themselves and respect the rights of others. And they’re more likely to tell you if there’s a serious problem.
Children love stories about themselves it helps them feel loved and important. You could make a scrapbook or album that’s all about your child from the time they were born. Put all sorts of things in it a handprint, photos, things they’ve said, a favourite birthday card. Read it with your child as a special reward or treat or to comfort them when they’re feeling a bit unsure about the world.
Opportunities to learn
Encouraging your child to be curious and learn about the world will help them develop into a healthy, happy adult. You need to teach them that the world is an exciting place and that learning is fun. You don’t need fancy toys or equipment. It’s more important to provide your child with interesting new experiences. And they need other people too other children to play with and relationships with people of all ages.
Children of any age love going for walks or exploring the beach or park. Why not start a shell collection or look for special stones? Make learning fun. It doesn’t have to cost a lot. You can use everyday things around you, or what about joining a toy library?
If your child is under one year, you could:
- place colourful mobiles above their bed
- play gentle bouncing games
- talk, read and sing to your baby
- provide safe objects they can explore
- give them things they can push, pull or roll.
If your child is one to three years, you could:
- play naming games like ‘Where’s your tummy?’ or Where’s the cat?’
- provide simple blocks so your child can learn about shapes and building
- use puzzles to teach shapes, colours and numbers
- let them make music with your pots and pans
- collect shells, leaves or stones.
If your child is three to five years, you could:
- enrol them at play centre, kindergarten or te kohanga reo
- provide paints, paper, pencils and crayons
- set simple tasks like helping to set the table
- encourage them to sing and dance
- teach them simple outdoor and ball games.
If your child is six to 10 years, you could:
- teach your child to ride a two wheel bike
- give them a clock and practise telling the time
- introduce them to team sports
- teach them to swim it’s important and fun
- invite their friends to stay overnight.
If your child is 11 to 12 years, you could:
- teach them adult skills like sewing and woodwork
- play card and board games together
- let them shop and cook for the family sometimes
- encourage them to join youth or community groups
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How can I help my child behave well?
All parents want their children to behave. There’s no ‘best way’ to bring up your child every child is unique. But we do know that a positive approach is best. Giving a child attention and encouragement when they are being good is more effective than criticising or punishing them when they get things wrong.
It helps to have a happy home
Your child is more likely to behave well if:
- they feel loved and are told they are important
- the adults around them behave well and show them what to do
- they are only expected to do what they can manage for their age
- the family has clear rules that everybody understands
- your child has a sensible routine and knows what to expect
- they are not hungry, tired, bored or rushed
- they feel safe and protected (from physical and other abuse)
- there’s no bullying or teasing at home
- you encourage them and help them feel good about themselves.
How can I help my child feel good?
Tell your child you are proud of them and praise them when they do well. If they make a mistake, help them understand what they did wrong by being clear about what you expect. Don’t keep reminding them about their mistakes or comparing them with other children. Don’t let other people tease your child or put them down.
Encourage good behaviour
- Help your child feel good if they feel good about themselves, they are more likely to behave well.
- Be honest and fair your child needs to know they can trust you and that you will tell them the truth and be fair.
- Talk and listen tell your child what you expect and why. They also need to know that they can talk to you and you will listen.
- Set clear rules your child needs to know what’s okay and what’s not. Make sure they understand why the rules are there and that you mean them.
- Be consistent don’t keep changing the rules and don’t change your mind after a few hours or days. If you have a partner, make sure you both agree on the rules and stick to them.
- Reward good behaviour praise your child when they are good. Reward them with a hug and smile and tell them you love them.
- Give reasons children can understand reasons from an early age. Giving a reason such as ‘It’s not safe because you could get hurt’ or ‘I can’t because I’m cooking dinner’ may help them to cooperate.
- Let them make some decisions letting your child make simple decisions and choices lets them feel they have a say and teaches them responsibility.
Remember your child wants your attention. If they can’t get it by being good they will misbehave to get it.
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How can I deal with difficult behaviour?
Your child needs clear boundaries. All children can misbehave at times. Routines and rules help them learn what is expected. Having clear boundaries means you can deal with difficult behaviour and reward good behaviour.
Don’t hit, shout or threaten
When your child behaves in ways you don’t like, you need to tell them what you don’t like and what they should do instead. Hitting, shouting, criticising and making threats can all damage a child physically or emotionally, so it’s important to find other ways to deal with behaviour you don’t want.
Smacking is not okay
Hitting damages children. It can hurt them physically and hurt their feelings. All children can be naughty and smacking might make them stop but it’s a very short-term solution. Smacking won’t teach your child what they should be doing instead, and it can teach them that hitting is the way to sort out problems.
Have you got a new partner?
New relationships can be tough on children. They may behave badly because they are worried about what will happen and want your attention. Talk with your new partner about your views on parenting and how you will deal with any behaviour problems.
It’s best not to involve a new partner in disciplining your children. Your children need to get to know and trust them first. If you need help to work things through, one of these agencies may be able to help.
What can I do?
- Distract your child often all you need to do is give your child something else to do. Make life easier by turning things you need to do into games such as ‘Let’s see how quickly we can all get ready’.
- Criticise the behaviour, not the child make it clear it’s their behaviour you don’t like, not your child. For example say ‘I don’t like it when you hit me. It’s not nice and it hurts’ instead of ‘You’re a bad boy for hitting me’.
- Ignore behaviour you don’t like as long as it’s not hurting anyone behaving badly can be a way to get attention and taking notice makes it worse.
- Take away something your child enjoys if distracting, talking or ignoring don’t work, try taking away a treat, like a favourite TV programme or toy. Tell your child why and how long for and make sure you stick to it.
- Use time out this is not a punishment. It helps your child learn how to manage their feelings and behaviour. And it gives you both time to cool down.
Is my child being naughty?
Ask yourself if your child is really being naughty, or if you’re expecting too much. Babies are never naughty they don’t have the thinking skills for it and small children may just be doing what’s normal for their age. Making noises, being active, exploring things and wanting attention is all very normal and healthy.
If your child is behaving badly, try to understand why. Are they hungry, tired or bored? Your own moods and things going on around them can also easily affect their behaviour. If you’re having a bad day, let your child know it’s not their fault.
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How does time out work?
Time out is a proven way to help your child learn how to control their behaviour. It also gives you both time to cool down. It doesn’t always work straight away, but keep trying. Used consistently it’s very effective.
During time out, the child spends time alone instead of getting attention for the behaviour you are trying to stop. How you use it depends on your child’s age it works best for children over three.
- Explain time out to your child tell them how it works and when you will use it. Pick a time when you are both calm to talk about it.
- Have a time out place this should be somewhere safe and quiet. You could use the hall or laundry (but make sure anything unsafe is locked away), their bedroom, or a corner of the room you are in.
- When your child misbehaves tell them you will use time out unless they stop. If they don’t stop, tell them to go to ‘time out’ and tell them why. For example ‘We’re doing this because you are hitting your brother. You are going to stop and spend time on your own’.
- Be firm about it you may need to calmly take your child to the time out place. Don’t hit, threaten or lock them in. After a while they’ll learn what to do. Tell them how long the time out is for. It must be for a set time (one minute for each year of their age is a good rule).
- After time out you may find it helpful to talk briefly about what happened and what your child could do differently next time. Try to focus on the positive instead of dwelling on the bad behaviour. Help your child find another activity and praise them for behaving well.
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How can I stop my family fighting?
Jealousy and fighting between brothers and sisters is normal. But it can be exhausting and make life miserable. Some of the ways you can help everyone get on together include:
- going out and doing something you all enjoy
- setting clear rules and banning teasing or bullying
- having family get-togethers to talk things over
- being fair about how each child is treated
- having jobs that you all do together to build trust
- making sure older children don’t expect too much of younger ones.
One strategy that works
If your children are fighting over a toy, don’t solve the problem for them. Take the toy away and explain that you will look after it until they come up with ideas about how to share it fairly. It gives your children the chance to learn how to solve their own problems.
Adult fights hurt children too
Children become very frightened when they see or hear their parents fighting. Try to keep any fights you have private from your children yelling or hitting each other in front of them is damaging.
Who can help?
If you are having problems you might find it helpful to talk with one of these agencies.
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How can I keep my child safe?
While your child is growing and learning about the world they depend on you to protect them. Sometimes things can go wrong but there’s plenty you can do to help keep your kids safe and happy.
Being there is important
It’s not safe to leave your baby or child on their own. Things can happen very quickly. Your baby could develop a sudden fever, choke on something small, or wake up crying in pain and even a few minutes may count. Children love to explore, so leaving them alone at home or in the car even for a short time is unsafe.
Making sure your child is being well looked after is part of being a good parent. And it helps make your child happy and confident.
What can I do?
- Never leave your baby or child alone at home or anywhere else.
- Keep your baby with you when they’re awake and check them regularly when they’re sleeping.
- Keep a constant eye and ear on your children.
- If you can’t be there, ask an adult you trust to babysit.
- If you work, make sure you arrange for proper childcare.
Older children need care too
Older children can seem quite mature, but if they are under 14 you can’t leave them without providing for their care and supervision. You must make sure they are safe. That’s our law. It’s not okay to leave a child under 14 at home while you work, or to ask them to babysit.
If you must leave a child over 14 for a short time, check that that they feel confident about being alone and that they know what to do in an emergency. Always make sure they know where you are and who to contact if there’s a problem.
Good quality childcare is important
If you are working or studying you need to know your child will be well looked after. You might be able to get a subsidy to help with the cost ask your childcare centre or after-school programme about it.
Your child is precious. Never leave them alone. If you can’t be there make sure they have someone caring and responsible to look after them.
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How do I choose good childcare?
A good babysitting or childcare arrangement can make your life much easier, especially if you work.
Choosing someone to care for your child is a big decision. Whoever you pick a relative, friend or professional caregiver, ask yourself these things:
- Do I trust this person and will my child be happy?
- Are they used to caring for children?
- Do they have any problems that could affect the care they give (such as a health or drug problem or other commitments)?
- Is the place child-safe and are there things for my child to do?
Choosing a babysitter
It’s best to choose someone who is used to dealing with children and mature enough to cope with emergencies (by law they must be at least 14). Ask for references, and contact any parents the babysitter has worked for. Choose someone you feel safe with trust your feelings.
When you go out, tell the babysitter where you are going and how to contact you. Give them clear instructions about your child’s routine, any special care they need and how to deal with problem behaviour. Make sure the babysitter knows smacking is not allowed.
Choosing day care or a pre-school
Before you choose any type of childcare service it’s a good idea for you and your child to visit the centre and check that:
- the children seem active and happy
- there are a variety of toys and activities
- there are plenty of qualified staff
- the centre is clean, interesting and safe
- you and your child are happy with the food
- they have plans for when a child is hurt or ill.
You’ll also want to be sure your child is safe from abuse. Ask the centre for a copy of any official policies or education reports. Ask about toilet, sleep and changing arrangements and what happens if a child misbehaves. Check that children are never alone with one carer and that background checks are done on all staff.
One of the best ways to find a good childcare service is to talk with other parents. Ask for recommendations and talk with others who already use the service.
Always take it seriously if your child seems unhappy about their carer. They can’t always tell you what’s wrong. Not wanting to be with a carer and being more worried or upset than usual can be a sign something’s wrong. So can things like bad dreams and bed-wetting.
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How do I recognise neglect and abuse?
Child abuse and neglect is a problem we don’t really want to see. Unfortunately it is all around us, and it can be fatal.
It is a problem that we can solve if we work together parents, grandparents, family, whanau, friends and neighbours anyone in touch with children. But first we have to recognise it and know what to do.
What is neglect?
Neglect is when any of the child’s basic needs are not met. The child may be slow to grow and do poorly at school. Neglect includes:
- not giving a child enough love and care
- not providing medical or dental care
- leaving them alone or not spending time with them
- not giving them opportunities to learn
- lack of food, shelter and warm clothing.
Neglect happens in all types of families. It’s not just about money. Often it’s because the parents don’t understand the child’s needs or make the time to pay attention to them.
What is child abuse?
Abuse can be emotional, physical or sexual. It is all harmful.
- Emotional abuse includes things like swearing, shouting, teasing, threatening or putting a child down, or not meeting their basic needs.
- Physical abuse includes bullying and hitting. Bruises, burns, fractures and grazes may be signs of child abuse.
- Sexual abuse is when someone uses a child in any sexual way or lets them see pornography. The signs are not obvious. The child may start behaving differently, get irritation in the genital area, or get infections and urinary problems.
An abused child might have nightmares, wet their pants, cry a lot, cling, or start to be scared of people or places that were okay before.
A child who is being abused can’t always tell you what is wrong. If they do make a comment it is important to take notice straight away.
What can I do about it?
Dealing with child neglect or abuse isn’t easy, but you can do something. Please don’t ignore it.
If you see a child being neglected you could try to support the family in a practical way by helping to arrange childcare, providing information on child needs, or involving them in family or community events. You could ask a local group like Barnados, iwi, community social service groups, Plunket or the public health nurse to help. If you think the child is in danger, or nothing else works, you should contact Child, Youth and Family, or the Police.
If you suspect a child is being abused seek help straight away. You could contact one of these agencies or contact Child, Youth and Family or the Police. In an emergency, you can reach the Child, Youth and Family help line anytime on 0508 FAMILY (0508 326 459) or call the Police on 111.
We are all responsible for the children in our community. If we ignore the problem, we are helping to create a more violent future.
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What if I’m about to lose my cool?
Every parent has times when they reach the end of their patience and feel they could hurt their child. Here are some ways to cope without harming your child.
Calm down
If you’re angry and in danger of hurting your child, walk away and take time out until you cool down.
- Take several deep breaths or count to 10.
- Make sure your child is safe and go to another room.
- Walk away from your child not towards them.
- Tell yourself to calm down remember, you’re a good parent.
Talk to someone
- Call a friend or family member and talk things over.
- Ask them to come round or keep talking until you are calm.
Get help if you need it
Asking for help is a positive thing to do.
- Call a help line or health professional
- Stay on the phone until your anger has gone.
Please get help urgently if:
- you hurt your child or feel you will harm them
- you lose control often or your child is afraid of you
- your partner hurts or threatens you or your child
- you’re miserable, tense or can’t cope
- you can’t manage on the money you have
- anyone in the house has a drug or alcohol problem.
If you need to call someone right now
Try:
- Plunket Line 24-hour support on phone 0800 933 922
- Child, Youth and Family phone 0508 FAMILY (0508 326 459)
Other services you might find useful are listed here.
You need to be happy and healthy too
Being a parent is a busy job but it’s still very important to find time for you. If you are tense or stressed, your child is more likely to be upset too, making your work even harder.
Here are some things you might like to try:
- Keep in touch with your friends arrange to meet for a coffee.
- Do something you enjoy when your child is asleep.
- Ask a friend to babysit for a while so you can have time off.
- Try to get out each day take your child for a walk or go visiting.
- Join a playgroup so you can talk with adults while your child plays.
- Join a sports, craft or community group to meet new friends.
- Ask for help if you need it don’t let it get on top of you.
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Family/whanau agreements
A family/whanau having difficulty caring for children or young people under the age of 17 can get help and support from Child, Youth and Family through a family/whanau agreement. Click here to read more about this type of agreement.
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